Friday, January 23, 2009

A Lesson Learned

Preface: I have gotten several emails and comments on this post already about the C-Pap machine for CJ. Although I appreciate those comments, we have investigated that. My question below is more about finding a new/different way to show intimacy to replace the problem we're having.

Dirty Debbie's first question of the year is a personal plea for help:

I may be hard to believe, but it's been months since CJ and I have slept together. It's true and it's due to one thing: snoring.
When we were first married, years ago, there wasn't a problem. Two things have changed since then: I have more trouble sleeping than I used to and he snores, loudly.
We have a wonderful guest room that has become CJ's room. When we go sleep (not bed) at night we go our separate ways.
CJ used to have time before work to join me for a little while in the morning, but that's no longer true.

The other day I asked CJ if he thought that the lack of actually sleeping together had taken something away from our intimacy.
He answered in the affirmative. I had no reply, I knew what the answer was going to be.

I know that making love is the usually the pinnacle of intimacy and bonding. It's the perfect way to share, know, and be close to one another. I think another way is just the act of sleeping near each other. Those kisses good night aren't the same when I'm standing at 'my' bedroom door. We both sleep 'au natural' and hugging and kissing good night in our bed is more loving to me too.

I wish our work schedules were little more compatible, that may help me think of something that could replace this intimacy. So far no luck.
I'm usually more creative than this, but I'm drawing a blank this time.

Is anyone out there having the same kind of trouble. Or have you had it?
Any ideas for Debbie and CJ?

Addendum:We did sleep together the other night because I asked CJ to join me that night. All we did was kiss goodnight, this time while lying next to each other, snuggled, and fell asleep. True I did take a Rozerem to help me sleep, but it was nice. What is it about just physically lying together asleep?
Still I don't want to medicate myself all the time and any comments or suggestions are appreciated.


Scottinni said...

Debbie, i wrote you an email on sleep apnea.


Anonymous said...

Thanks Scott.
FYI Everyone:
CJ has been diagnosed with sleep apnea. We just haven't gotten to the point of getting the C-Pap machine.

Anonymous said...

You have to get the C-Pap Machine.

Sleep apnea is deadly if not treated.

My wife made me get the C-Pap machine and it's made our lives better, but more importantly, probably saved mine....

Anonymous said...

Not to pile on, but the c-pap machine will change his life. Without it, I could not stay awake in the day. After a lot of times falling asleep in mid-day (once while typing on a computer with a customer), I finally was diagnosed. I have now been using it for 3+ years now.

Ian said...

What they said.

I have one, but be aware that you will have a stream of cold air hitting the back of your neck at times ;)

Seriously, if you love him, make sure he gets an elephant mask. Stopping breathing is a Bad Thing.

CJ said...

From CJ:
First I have to say that I miss sleeping with DD as there is something about the closeness of another human being (even if you aren't aware that they're actually THERE) that is comforting.

Secondly, I appreciate all the comments so far but I must tell you - part of the issue is that DD is a VERY light sleeper, and that she can awaken with the slightest issue.

I have undergone a sleep study in the recent past and (of course) they suggested that I get a CPAP device, but frankly, I didn't get much sleep during the study due to all the wires attached to me, which left me in a state of beta / theta for most of the night; this is when my snoring occurs most often.

Drugs are not the answer for Deb, but I think we might try some "all-natural" cures including the homeopathic solutions such as the valerian/tryptophan/melatonin based supplements.

TRUST ME: I miss sleeping with my partner!

Thanks for all the GREAT comments and suggestion; keep them coming!

Anonymous said...

Here are some things that we do. Some may work for you and some may not. A lot of them are meaningful to us because they remind us of olden times.

1. We take showers together on weekends (and through the week if our schedules align).

2. If we don't have anything to do, we get back in bed for awhile on Saturday and Sunday mornings, not to sleep; but because it's just like old times.

3. We keep a collection of videos that we haven't watched and, from time to time, sit on the couch and watch it together.

4. I turn on the fireplace, play some of the old songs that we like in iTunes, and we sit together in the study.

5. Sometimes, California Girl sits on my lap when I'm doing something on the computer that doesn’t require a lot of typing.

6. We get in the car and go for a ride; something that we used to do in our college days when we didn't have money for much else.

Anonymous said...

If you notice yours is the first reply I have gotten in regards to the inital question. I like your ideas. Unfortunately the ones involving the weekends won't work. CJ works on those days usually between 7am and 3pm. I especially like the idea about the drives, even these days there's a lot to see close by. I think I may re-work some of the other ones.
Thanks so much, you have the little wheels in my head turning on this one.

Richard said...

Have you tried ear plugs. they are uncomfortable at first, but you get used to them after a while.

Anonymous said...

Well Richard in regards to earplugs, I keep saying I'l do it, but I haven't gotten any yet. Even more than the comfort I worry that they won't work and I won't be able to hear my alarm go off! lol
Maybe you are the person to kick me in the butt about it all.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps the foam ear plugs? They work and are comfy....and, if he has to leave before you, he can wake you to remove the ear plugs and you can get a kiss in the mean time. If he doesn't have to wake and leave before you, he can boot you out of bed when the alarm goes off. :)

Trying to keep up the intimacy is hard- so much of it comes from those stolen little moments of rolling into one another in the night. I wish you well and hope this works out for you!

Neville said...

I use a device called a tongue stabilizer to stop snoring. It fits between the lips, and the tongue is held forward out of the throat by suction. The beauty is no noise, although it takes a week or so to get used to. My wife calls it Casper, as it looks like him when standing on end.
Here's the url.
Hopefully then, this will solve your other problem, although Mid Western Boy's suggestions are good.
It will improve the fella's sleep as well. For that reason I still use when I sleep by myself.